When I decided, almost two years ago, to pioneer the career move of corporate lawyer to lollipop lady, I became acutely aware that people around me had conflicting opinions as to whether or not I was wasting my potential. As a twentysomething lawyer in a top-tier Australian firm, I worked in an air-conditioned glass tower […]

  It was only when a one-dimensional yellow man stepped out of a cinema screen and into a plush red theatre on George Street that audience members began to blink rapidly behind their 3D glasses. The film from which the man had emerged was Return of the White Ninja 3D.  Although the film was in 3D, […]

‘As we count up from one, three is the first most interesting number.’ — Michael Cunningham   Nothing is known of Ralph’s childhood except that he once dived between the legs of a monk, trying to see if there was orange underwear under those orange robes. The monk, laughing, had scooped the little boy up […]

As family lore later recalls, you arrive from the womb with not even a peep. The midwife gives you a vigorous shake, as if the customary, inaugural wail she is looking for just happens to be stuck in there, rolling around in some hidden cavity like a loose marble. She shakes you again. Nothing. ‘SOMETHING […]

So I see this pair of Fantastic Breasts one day. I’m at a conference, in the foyer, pinning on my name tag. A hundred plain-looking, spotty breasts are milling about, sipping chamomile tea from styrofoam cups. They’re all wearing farsighted spectacles that magnify their nipples. The topic of the next session is The Difficulties of […]

It’s tough being stuck in Friendsville.  You once took a wrong turn with a girl and ended up in this town. A rabid networker, she took to playing social tennis in a dress that covered her only as far as her liver, or perhaps, when stretched, her small intestine. “It’s very short,” you remarked as […]

Late of Potts Point. Killed tragically last week at the age of 26 in a hit-and-run incident. Lived an attention-seeking and extravagant life, almost certainly an adverse reaction to troubled early years characterised by abandonment and poverty. Abhorred authority and was an extremely vocal supporter of anti-establishment causes. A consummate lap dancer but only performed […]