excerpt: the fantastic breasts

So I see this pair of Fantastic Breasts one day.

I’m at a conference, in the foyer, pinning on my name tag. A hundred plain-looking, spotty breasts are milling about, sipping chamomile tea from styrofoam cups. They’re all wearing farsighted spectacles that magnify their nipples. The topic of the next session is The Difficulties of an Objectified Existence in a Patriarchal World, whatever that means. Everyone’s standing around commiserating and consciousness-raising, which is getting them so heated their spectacles are fogging up.

I down my espresso and think about the whole sorry affair. What’s sorry about it is that I’m really scraping the bottom of the barrel at this conference. I’ve taken a big risk in going where few men have dared venture and it’s turned out to be a disappointment: the probability of finding a bit of good quality breast here amongst the styrofoam is negligible. I should have known better. After all, I’ve had a lifetime’s experience passing from chest to ample chest, in pursuit of that one perfect set of breasts to have and to hold. But, for some reason, A-grade breasts have continued to elude my grasp. I begin to wonder if I should unpin my name tag and abandon the noble quest forever.


Then, all of a sudden, I spot these Fantastic Breasts, so fantastic they deserve a capital F and a capital B. They come tottering out of nowhere on gazelle legs, backed by a caboose that fell from a peach tree in Heaven. The Breasts bound and quiver in slow motion like no others can. They are full cream milk.

They’re so swollen it’s like the Global Breast Incubator pumped them with excess milk, let them ripen a little longer than usual, scooped them off the great conveyor belt, screwed them onto that pair of stilt legs and gave them a slap on the caboose to get them going on their merry way.

I’m hooked. Staring into that cleavage, I see my voluptuous future.  There haven’t been breasts this fantastic since the beginning of time.



Download the rest of this short story via Smashwords (in all major eReader formats plus computer-friendly formats like RTF and PDF), or through iTunes or the iBook app on your iPad or iPhone. ‘The Fantastic Breasts’ was first published in 2011.

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